An IROOT:NOTian Open Letter

We address this open letter to the God(ess), the Force of Evolution, the Planetary Consciousness, or whoever is in charge of designing the human body. After not much discussion, IROOT:NOTians came to a unanimous agreement (a miracle in itself). Specifically, we believe that whoever designed the human body could have done a better job. You can make it much more efficient, less gross, and with cooler features.

Because we live in a miraculous universe and because we can imagine the possibility, we are voicing suggestions about what features we'd like to see in the next human form. We feel qualified to suggest these changes, not because we are IROOT:NOTians, but because we live in these fleshy animal suits. (They have their charm.) We have to deal with it, God; you don't.

For starters, here's what we'd like to see:

• The ability for limbs and other body parts to grow back. (Lizards have the right idea.)
• For women, an alternate to the menstrual cycle.
• A purr box, to express contentment, like cats have.
• A turn-off-the-brain button for easy sleep and meditation.
• No flatulence.
• An immune system that can screen out all viruses.
• Totally harmonized sexual drives.
• Teeth that won't decay or break.
• Brains that stay alert for the entire lifetime and function at 90% capacity, at least.
• No "bad chemicals" in the brain that make some people crazy.
• Eyes that always have 20/20 vision or better and a pair in the back of the head.
• The ability to be cool, without spending a lot of money.